Is This Really Happening To Us?

Waking up on the bedroom floor, slumped in front of the door seemed to be my new routine. One that I didn't relish, understand or want to do! So why was I there? Looking back I tried to recall why and how but I really had no idea what triggered the whole episode and neither did he. He had expressed he felt unwell and we had been here before, this time though was different. He was disengaged from the world from us, distant...disturbed even. His eyes were red his eyelids heavy. There was no mistaking it was back. Last time it was scary to see how hopeless and desperate he was but 17 years on and his depression had evolved and I knew I was witnessing something life changing. I was petrified. The man I loved, adored my best friend was trapped in his own mind. Swirling thoughts constantly dragging him away. He told me he felt stupid, why was he like this but he couldn't help it he was ill! My desperation grew. He spoke of how he wanted to hurt himself but he didn't really. He wanted to live and be happy. Nothing prepared me for what was to come. Whilst He was getting ready for work I noticed he was extremely on edge and I had no choice but to do something I'd never done before. Why would I? I trusted him but that day was different. He was in the shower so I grabbed the opportunity, I didn't want to and felt guilty but I had to. I took his tablet and quickly pressed the buttons searching, and instantly I found it worse than I thought. He had been searching for the most gruesome ways to end his life. I was devastated, distraught. Paralysed by his thoughts! I screamed in sheer panic to open the door, I needed to see he was ok. The door opened and with a red face from the heat of the shower he looked puzzled, glancing down he saw the tablet and I screamed at him again. What else could I do? He looked broken, like a rabbit in the headlights. I knew his secrets and he knew that too. He was in shock. Horrified he muttered "I'm Sorry" Tears rolled down my face. What was to come, how was this going to end?

That was January 2017.....

Its taken me all this time to firstly gain the courage to write it all down, well at least to share anyway! I have been writing everything for along time. It was the only way I could get it all out of my head.

I have tried so many ways to find others like me to get some kind of understanding of how do I Live With Depression? His...Not Mine. Sadly there is no help so by sharing this I hope I help someone out there to see that they are not alone and we can help each other live a normal happy life that involves depression.

This is only the beginning and so far the last 9/10 months have been horrendous and what I will share will be hard to read , its hard to write even though what I write I have already lived through if that makes sense.

This is My Story of Living With Depression, His...Not Mine

Love Always

Me x