Airfix Models, Weight Loss and a Racing Mind!

Sat where working and I can see in the corner of my eye he is agitated and distant. I have become good at noticing all these things which is good and bad! Good that someone can tell and keep an eye on him but Bad because well my hearts racing again and with that my mind.

I asked him what’s wrong and the classic response of nothing I’m fine is exactly what he says yet I know different. For once I wished I was wrong! 

Yesterday he helped me at work and for the most part was ok but socially he struggles Talking with strangers. It’s hard to see and upsetting for him. He is such a fun friendly man😢

We don’t have much money at all but he saw an affix model and said I wonder if that would keep my mind busy and I thought firstly WOW he really is trying hard to keep his mind busy and what a great idea. A focus, a hobby maybe! Now I’m not so sure..... it’s triggered something negative 😢

..... he has already made it and painted it and now says it’s rubbish and is never doing one again and is trying hard not to smash it up! He says that now is minds racing Bad thoughts what’s the point, what’s the point in doing anything and that he is rubbish. He says he isn’t loosing weight he can’t do the model and it’s all a load of crap!!.... and off he goes ....

.... to sleep. Where his mind rests and hopefully the negative thoughts go away.

Reality is that he has little patience  anyway without the MH issues so I thought he did well but as with everything he has to rush it, he has to be the best, he has to finish first even when there clearly is no race. His expectations are so high most of us can and will not ever meet them yet he feels he should. His opinion of himself is so low and even though he has been walking most days only missing weekends or when extremely bad weather has hit for 9 miles a day!! (I barely walk a mile a day! )And he has lost a stone in weight is looking better and more like himself. BUT none of this matters as he simply can not see it!

The irony is that the racing mind he has is now also mine! Wondering what happens next? Why isn’t he responding to the medication as I thought he was? Why can’t he see how much he means to us all and how much of a good man he really is? 

I don’t know if he ever will but I’m hoping 

Love Always

Me x