I forgot to mention!

A couple of weeks ago now I had a bad experience and I didn’t really want to share or should I say I didn’t want to relive it again.

However, I feel that as I’m already sharing I can’t really pick and choose the parts as it is what it is and the whole point of me doing this is to get others like me to see what we experience from the opposite side of the depressed family member that we love so very much.

So here goes...

Basically he had another bad day staring into space (this is happening more often than not when he isn’t busy he can’t just pop on the TV or read a book at the very best he flicks though his phone for a few seconds and that’s it) anyway we saw the CPN person .... I say that as he dosnt have a CPN but she is doing what they would if he had one! 

He explained how he wasn’t doing so well and she said she would talk to his dr we left it at that.

Later that evening he decided to have a drink more than he is supposed to we have a mutual agreement that he won’t drink more because alcohol has a very negative affect on him when he has too much and we don’t want that for obvious reasons.

Long story short he wasn’t happy and I get it he didn’t want to be told what he can and can’t do no one does. We are just trying to protect him help him stay alive.

He asked for a sleeping tablet and after stressing about should I I gave in and he took it.

Now I am not stupid and I know when my husband is not doing well and like a guard dog my ears are on high alert

(I’m a mess because of it but as I said earlier what can I do? Drs tell me keep him safe your his carer! So the pressure is on from all including myself.)

Luckily I went upstairs because I heard a noise yes it could have been the dog, but it wasn’t it was my husband fastening a belt around the bed post!

Turns out he had about 20 belts in bed with him and was fasting them together to attempt to hang himself out the velux window!

So you see forgive me if I’m at breaking point but I’m more than slightly scared I am prettified that one day I will come home to see my husband dangling to his death ..... now you tell me how I am supposed to just let the man I love so much just get on with it?

He didn’t want to die he told me he is scared that his impulses take over!

What happens when I’m not there??

So you see when I am quiet on here it is far from quiet in reality.

My brain is tired

I look like I’ve aged 10 years

And I am tired because every night I lay awake after he is asleep and for one reason only

Because for half an hour I can relax he is asleep I am in bed and I don’t have to worry about my work or the kids or anything else

I can grab that little moment and regret it in the morning when I am beyond sleepy!

I can’t sustain this I know but for now my life is this way and I have one choice and I am not going anywhere

Call me stupid call me what ever

I didn’t marry this man to bolt because life’s throwing shit in our faces!

My world is non existent without him or the children so I will fight as hard as I can for him

I know he is still in there and when he comes back I will be waiting ♥️

Love Always

Me x