Work, Worries and Welcome Back ...

It’s been a stange few weeks which have given me the usual tears and fears and yet probably the most positive yet negative at the same time too!

Let me explain why....

So part of his illness means that he just can’t deal woth fast changes I mean no one likes change do they? But imagine living in a world where it’s a million times more confusing and upsetting and then not being able to convey what the hell is going on.

Well when some one tells me for example that tomorrow I am

Going to have to stand up and present to a load of strangers I will immediately feel

Overwhelmed panicked and worry because it’s not something that I like it scares me a lot but I know I have to do it it’s what is expected so I do it no matter how bad it makes me feel.

Then because someone else wants to do it they come along and ask if I mind? Of course I don’t no not at all you go for it!

Relieved beyond words. So I turn up for work the next day and that person has change their mind it’s not what they need to do now so I’m left to do it!! I’ve not prepared mentally and physically and now I feel ill my brains traveling at a million miles an hour... so what do I do? 

I do it because what choice do I have! .... and because I am rational and can understand my emotions and how to manage them!

But hang on a minute we are not talking about me we are talking about my husband who has a serious mental health problem whose emotions are multiple to what ours are including fear anger and sadness!!

He does the only thing he knows to do! He walks away..... each day for 3 days woth no explanation nothing not a word.

Now at this point I normally intervene but you see I’m constantly told to leave him he needs to re learns to deal with his emotions and I am not helping by helping? So I don’t I leave it....

Behind the scenes I’m a wreck!!! Crying feeling stressed worried etc wondering if he will loose his job.

Finally they phone me and so I explain that his actions seem rather odd and it’s not the normal thing for a man in his 40s but with BPD it’s not simple.

Thankfully my explaination helped and he went back and has had a good week even tough very fatigued. Now it’s back to normal .... tomorrow will be his first shift alone!!! 

He loves the idea feels great. Empowered, back in the game and has a purpose(he always had this he just didn’t know it)

...for me this means probably a week of worry!!

If this blog was about me I literally could write a book!! High Blood Pressure panic attacks and no sleep all add up to this and make a mini drama 🤦🏻‍♀️

On the plus side.... even we have a plus side! I

Know I’m surprised too!!

I’ve been very busy at work and got back out and was welcomed back with such love and care I could never imagine that people I’ve known for such a short time care so much and it’s those people along with my family and close friends that have kept me sane.

It’s always going to be hard and it’s always going to involve fear as I now know I can not control what happens and I certainly need to look after myself better!

Someone I recently met said your a time traveler aren’t you? And he was right! I’m never here right now.... I’m always in the future predicting what’s to come and I’m always wrong! But you see that’s the problem because I am so scared that now if I stay present the future will be impacted and I will inevitably cause bad things to happen.

Ultimately I know I need to make changes to help him with his changes and in the process trust him and myself that it will be ok!

I really want to.... and one day I will but for now small steps are huge to us both x

On that note my eyes are finally drooping and so I will leave you with a final thought!

“Learn to accept that  we are all different But, learn to Understand that we are all the same!”

Love Always

Me ♥️💋